Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
