wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
