The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
