I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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