The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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