So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
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We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.