Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
