OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I puked a lego.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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