Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
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