This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
