Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
