did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
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It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
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Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.