I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
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i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.