OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
50% drunk capacity currently
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
