1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
