We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
