3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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