drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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