He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
