I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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