I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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