Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
