I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I need a burrito and a hug.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
