Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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