I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
