I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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