Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
