Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
