hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
