He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
