I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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