I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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