i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
