So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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