i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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