oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
