I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
