how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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