He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
