dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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