you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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