If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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