I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
