You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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