I just threw up on my dentist
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
