i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
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There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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