i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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