This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
