I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
