I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
