Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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