I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
