I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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