mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I am one with the molecules
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
